Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony ever...but not really

Photo: ABC

The moment we've been waiting for finally arrived last night ... The Bachelor finale! Sadly, this was the highlight of our week month. Normally Lori watches this days, sometimes weeks later on her DVR (Kristin is fairly dedicated about watching it live) but this was a special occasion that needed to be celebrated by watching live and suffering through commercials. Way to take one for the team, L! 

Within minutes we were promised something that's never been seen before on The Bachelor and that "the entire country will be talking about tomorrow morning." This better be good, Harrison, we thought. About two hours and 45 minutes (and a proposal … and a lot of bumbling speeches by Chris) we finally found out the MOST DRAMATIC SURPRISE EVER was that there’s going to be not one, but two Bachelorettes!

And both of them looked really f-ing pissed off about it. So pissed that Britt forgot her signature fuchsia lipstick. The whole thing was pretty awkward, especially considering some of the audience actually booed Britt about a minute before. Fake smiles and crickets all around.


From what we can gather, the 25 “eligible bachelors” will decide on the first night who they want to stay: Britt or Kaitlyn. We have to give a shout out to one of our favorite Bachelors, Sean, and agree with pretty much everything he says on his blog today. Worth a read. We get that they're trying to be DRAMATIC, but it seems pretty F'd up overall. 

Anyway, we’re team Kaitlyn, but we think the guys will pick Vanessa Lachey Britt because she’s really hot with a touch of crazy. We shall see. May 18 is on our calendars, but we're feeling iffy about the whole fiasco. Not iffy enough to forgo our keys to the fantasy suite, obvi. 

Back to the finale:

Now we know these girls are under the Bachelor spell and think everything is hunky dory and they're in love and they'll love him no matter where they are … but let's call a spade a spade. Chris lives in Arlington, Iowa, population 429, where the nearest Target and Starbucks is 56 miles away. 56. Aside from picking corn, what are these people going to do for fun? (Oh wait, going to Target and Starbucks isn't everyone's idea of fun? Nevermind ...) 

That being said, Whitney is the perfect candidate for the job because she’s sweet and enthusiastic and truly seems like she’s all about being a wife and mom. From that wedding crasher date ages ago, Kristin thought Whitney would take home the final rose. And while we might not be cut out for rural life, we’re sure she’s going to be just fine on the farm. In fact, she seemed super excited about it, as she told us 437 times last night. Congratulations, Whitney and Chris! Your babies will be so cute (as we also heard a million times yesterday). Will we see a TV wedding on the farm?? We hope!


  • Whitney’s necklace game was on point this episode, especially the one from the “meet the parents” date. Need it now.
  • During the lunch with Whit and his family, it seemed like Chris was thinking the same thing as us: She needed to turn it down a notch (or 5) during that dramatic toast (see above photo). People can definitely fall in love quickly, but you've known him for 3 minutes. You're not that in love with him. Chill the F out.
  • How cute are Mr. and Mrs. Soules? Seriously! Loved his mom's keepin it real speech with Becca, which brought back memories of a similar convo with Andi ...
  • When Chris is talking to Becca, we all know what he's thinking. *VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN!!!*
  • Also on the note of Becca, it really wasn't that bizarre she wasn't in love with someone she'd known a couple of months and had spent minimal alone time with ... just sayin. We wish she would've pointed that out instead of stressing out that she "wasn't there yet."
  • Of COURSE Neil Lane knocks on Chris's door #productplacementcentral
  • Becca could basically be a supermodel, but why was she wearing that crushed velvet dress?
  • We’d also like to give Becca the “class act” award for not bawling like a lunatic in the rejection limo. In fact, she seemed almost relieved …
  • We were 85% sure that the Proposal Barn would catch on fire due to the sheer amount of Pier One lanterns and candles covering the joint. WOOD BEAMS, people!
  • Cute proposal, but we were kind of distracted by those jeweled cuffs on Whitney’s dress, circa 1993. Digging the off-the-shoulder thing going on with the top though, and the fun updo!
  • The part with Chris’s parents talking about them making babies … yeah just a little bit awk.
  • Juan Pablo the cow = hilarious/random

Speaking of Juan Pabs...One final thought, ABC. You F'ers really dropped the ball on not using 'SOULES' in any promos, ads, previews, etc. How many weeks did we have to hear about JUANUARY? Soules had so much potential. Here are some taglines and ideas that would've been gold:

"Will Farmer Chris find his SOULES mate?"
"Broken hearts and SOULES" 
"Who will leave broken hearted and SOULES-less?"
"Gotta have SOULES"
And to quote Jesse McCartney, "I want you and your beautiful SOULES"...could've been the theme song, could've had him play while Farmer Chris slow danced with a lucky bachelorette in the middle of a crowd, could've been his one-way ticket to a spot on Dancing With The Stars. The possibilities were endless. F-It. Too late.

Countdown to The Bachelorette showdown, aka The Bachelorette Hunger Games is on. 







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